The Great NASCAR Inspector Inqusition!
Wednesday, August 8th, 2007 4:20am CDT
By Marc, Thunder Lounge
Published on Thunder Lounge.
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How NASCAR operates before, during and after an event is always under scrutiny.
Condemnation comes from all sides. Fans, the press (both “beat reporters” and drive-bys that don’t now their ass from their hat) and those of us in the racing blogosphere, commonly called The Exalted, all take shots at Peoples Commissar of NASCAR Affairs (a/k/a Brian France) & Co on a regular basis.
Much of the column space and bandwidth is devoted to how NASCAR’s troop of inspectors go about their jobs and it’s not often one gets a chance to hear their side.
Well, thanks to Meredith Long of the The Sporting News we have that opportunity. What follows is a Q & A session Long conducted with NASCAR inspector Jim Wagner-Brownell.
(NOTE: Wagner-Brownell is real, his answers have been edited for “brevity.” Some would call it “literary license” or “artistic expression,” I’ll stick with brevity.)
How did you get started in NASCAR?
“Well Meredith, originally I wanted to be an optometrist but soon discovered I suffered from an extreme case of myopia, a condition of the eye in which objects can only be seen distinctly when near to the eye. In my case a 1/4 inch close. I always enjoyed NASCAR and figured, damn those cars are SO BIG myopia wouldn’t be a problem.”
What is the craziest thing you’ve seen on pit road?
“Oh wow, there’s so many things. One time Dick Trickle tossed a Depends out of his window and it hit the jackman square in the face. That one cost 15 seconds getting those sticky strips off his face before the car got off the ground.
“Then there was the time Mark Martin lost a minute and a half thanking his crew for the 13 second stop 40 laps previously. A real gentleman that Martin.”
What is the hardest part about your job?
“You have to ask? It’s that damnable Mythical Rulebook!” It changes more often than Lohan hits rehab.”
“And then… then there’s that CORN thing. They roll one into the inspection stall and I get the overwhelming feeling I’m Dr. Frankenstein as that crab-like thing encloses it! It’s gotten so bad I’ve retained Dr. Phil for the 2008 season when the CORN goes full time!”
What is the one thing you see that doesn’t pass inspection the most?
“The Mythical Rulebook. With every reprinting it contains more spelling errors, grammatical faux pas and the worst part, each edition has another chapter printed in disappearing ink! I suspect by the 2010 season the entire thing will look like Saran Wrap”
“Oh, did I mention Jet Fuel Meredith? It fails every time.”
There you have it, the ever elusive NASCAR Inspector, unplugged! The Half-Vast Staff of Thunder Lounge would like to thank Meredith Long for this rare chance to get behind the scenes.
WAY, behind the scenes!
Filed Under: Marc Boland, Nascar, Ridiculous Posts, The People Of Nascar
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